12 Reasons Why Women Cheat, According to the Experts

The Stress of “Life Admin”

A 2023 report from the Pew Research Center found that in approximately one-third of U.S. heterosexual marriages today, men and women earn about the same amount. Yet women in these egalitarian couples still spend two more hours a week on caregiving and two-and-a-half more hours on housework than their husbands do.1 Kim refers to these type of tasks as “life admin.” “I believe Esther Perel has likened modern partnership to co-running a small business with your partner,” Kim says. These logistical demands can leave a woman feeling mentally and physically exhausted—and even undesirable. Kim adds that disparities in the mental load in such a heterosexual partnership can “create compounding resentment toward a partner which further kills the desire to be sexual together.”

Dissatisfaction in the Relationship

Dissatisfaction is often seen as the underlying theme in most cases of infidelity. “People justify this by saying, ‘We are in a bad patch.'” Skurtu says. “Then the opportunity arises for one person, and instead of stopping things before they start, they justify crossing a boundary, with, ‘My partner doesn’t care anyway. It’s completely innocent.'”

For every relationship boundary crossed, the person has to justify her behavior to herself before compartmentalizing her actions. Not finding satisfaction in a current relationship can trigger someone to seek that feeling elsewhere or even use the act of cheating (whether consciously or unconsciously) as a catalyst to end her current relationship.

Low Self-Esteem

When a woman is struggling with low self-worth, it may spur her to look to external sources for the attention and validation that she and her partner are unable to create and sustain. “Low self-esteem starts out looking like, ‘Why would anyone find me attractive?,'” Skurtu says. “Then when someone starts to show her that attention, it feels really good.” A woman who cheats may rely on affairs to provide her with proof of her value or desirability. And when one fling ends, it may cause her to feel neglected or worthless, so she pursues a new romantic interest—and the cycle continues.

Emotional Starvation

While studies suggest that men who cheat are primarily motivated by sex, women who cheat tend to do so to fill an emotional need.2 (And in the case of an emotional affair, sex isn’t part of the equation at all.) Whether the affair is physical or emotional in nature, a woman may cheat because she craves conversation, empathy, respect, devotion, adoration, support, or some other connection that’s lacking in her current relationship. “Some people convince themselves emotional is not a real affair,” Skurtu says. “However, most sexual ones start emotional. I find it pretty rare to have an only sexual affair without some emotions because they usually start as friends. That’s how you start crossing boundaries and justify the behavior.”

Anger or Retribution

Some women enter into a relationship with an idealized image of how their spouse should behave. When the partner falls short of expectations and can’t meet their every need and desire, it can create a divide in the relationship. Additionally, some may resent their partner for another reason, such as a past affair, and use their own infidelity as retaliation.

Lack of Excitement

You’ve likely heard of the term serial cheaters—people who commit infidelity for the thrill of it. They may love their significant other but yearn for those endorphin-fueled interactions that make a new relationship so exciting. “I think as a society we don’t honestly address how boring work and family life can be at times,” Skurtu says. “I was recently watching the show Good Girls, and they turn to street crimes. It’s addressing the same thing: boredom. I feel people are more likely to cheat than to get involved in crimes, but it’s the same premise.”

Sexual Deprivation

Try as we might to keep the spark alive, the excitement that accompanies a new relationship can only last so long. Predictability and familiarity will eventually overtake the quality and frequency of sex. It’s not surprising, then, that some women who cheat are missing those thrilling hallmarks of a relationship’s beginning stages, when passion and intrigue have yet to give way to routine. In fact, Skurtu believes this is historically one of the motivators behind male-centric infidelity: “It might have been an expectation that at a certain point, sex was not a big part of marriage, so cheating was a necessary evil.”

Loneliness

“Many women begin to fantasize about other romantic or sexual connections, particularly out of severe loneliness or emotional disconnection from their partner,” Kim says. This type of feeling can stem from a number of different situations, including a partner who travels constantly, a spouse who works long hours, or even a husband with a chronic illness. Whatever the reason, loneliness or feelings of isolation and disengagement can often push someone to seek out that romantic fulfillment elsewhere. “They feel lonely and someone else starts meeting the unmet needs,” Skurtu says.

Insecure Attachment Style

Attachment theory suggests that early childhood relationships influence how we perceive and behave in our intimate relationships as adults. Depending on the care and nurturing (or lack thereof) that a woman receives as a child, she’ll fall into one of four attachment styles as an adult: secure (having well-adjusted expectations and approaches to relationships), anxious (exhibiting fear of abandonment), avoidant (preferring to retain her independence from others), or disorganized (pushing people away).

People who identify with anxious and avoidant attachment styles may be more likely to display characteristics that interfere with a healthy romantic relationship (think: clinginess and dismissiveness). They’re also more likely to cheat, as they seek out reassurance from a third-party partner or attempt to avoid the intimacy of the primary relationship.3 “There’s always a sense of ‘what’s on the other side’ and never fully being happy or secure in oneself,” Skurtu says. “This type of person may struggle to be happy in any relationship.”

Midlife Crisis

While midlife crises generally affect people between the ages of 35 and 60, the event has less to do with age than extenuating circumstances. Major life events, such as the death of a parent or a milestone birthday, may trigger a midlife crisis in a woman, causing her to wrestle with the burden of greatness—the sociocultural expectation that women can and should “have it all.” “People think, ‘I only have so much time left. What am I doing with my life?,'” Skurtu says. A woman may act out of character as she attempts to realize her potential—and even make up for lost time.

Opportunity

Few cases of infidelity are premeditated, Skurtu says. Instead, they often come as a result of an unexpected opportunity. “They feel down and another person in a similar boat crosses their path,” she says. “They start commiserating and then it moves on from there.” People in this situation usually can’t explain the reason behind their infidelity. “It sort of just happens, even though, really, there are specific moments of truth that can make or break the potential affair.” Similar opportunities exist in the digital realm, too. Social media, dating apps, and texting have revolutionized the ease at which we can connect with others, sometimes serving as a springboard for affairs—even if the interactions start innocently.

Numbing Difficult Feelings

People develop a wide variety of coping mechanisms to deal with difficult emotions. Sometimes, they may (unintentionally or intentionally) select a strategy that has an emotionally-numbing effect on the situation, seeing it as a better alternative than facing their problem head-on. Sex, drugs, alcohol, and other addictions or compulsive behaviors are just a few examples. “An affair is an escape from reality,” Skurtu says. “[When] women struggle to be honest about what they want with their partners and instead seek out a fantasy world that not only numbs but creates an amazing jolt to the system, there’s an adrenaline rush to cheating.”